Unlikely lines from a romantic novel – Mock the Week: Series 13 Episode 8 Preview – BBC Two

“This is the last time that we can be together,” he said. “Aren’t you going to say… something?” “Baaaa!” “Yes! Yes! *Yes*!” Cried Alex Salmond. As Christian Grey tied her to the bed, using some cotton-stretched slacks, and then started beating her on the back
with some Sicilian lemon cheesecake… she suddenly realised… …that he was heavily into M&S. “It’s for you,” she said. “My hair, in a locket.” “Aww, fuck it.” “I wanted that cough sweet.” Harold ran his hand up Konnie’s thigh. She giggled, made a note of it and later on, got £60,000
at a sexual harassment tribunal. “I want your breasts… your legs… your thighs…” “I’m on the phone to Nando’s, love! What do you want?” He searched her eagerly with his tongue… Its tip exploring every crevice, ever orifice… God… …he loved being a Customs officer! Sarah’s love made him feel like a young boy again. So he went off to find one. She found him on Tinder… …and lost him on Grindr. When she was in the shower, he went through
her iPhone and found something disgusting. She came out as he was leaving. “Come back! It wasn’t me!” “They gave them free to everyone!
I’d never download a U2 album!” They gazed into each other’s eyes, and their thoughts were so in tune,
they both thought the exact same thing: “You’ll do.” Sean knew that the love of his life
had to have a good sense of humour… …because while she was laughing,
she wouldn’t be watching her drink. Sean! It’s not even me, for God’s sake! He looked at her naked body,
and then he looked into her eyes. His heart started pounding,
and he felt a tingling sensation… What a shit time to have a coronary. For the first time in her life she reached
a shuddering, *juddering* orgasm. She had no idea that such a thing could happen… …if you lent against the Hotpoint during the spin cycle. As Mr. Darcy kissed her neck, she flushed angrily. “GET OUT! I’M HAVING A SHIT!”

54 Replies to “Unlikely lines from a romantic novel – Mock the Week: Series 13 Episode 8 Preview – BBC Two

  1. I can do that one better. 

    Lines REMOVED from a now published romance/erotic novel.  (I was the editor doing the removing.)

      1) "Cocks Thrashed" 

    (I keep a list.)

  2. Romeo, Romeo where art thou Romeo?
    "I'm down here you blind bitch"

    She pondered the events of the previous night. Never before had she realised that the hardest part of eating a vegatable would be the wheelchair.

  3. I'm afraid many people disapprove of our relationship so we can no longer be together. Good bye . Europe

  4. He kissed up from her ample thigh to her toned flat stomach. Silence and then he heard the sweet words of “I’m sorry sir but that mannequins are for display only” coming from the shop clerk

  5. Having been apart for so many years, Helen couldn’t contain her joy at seeing her love again and flung herself into his arms, crying: “Oh, John! I’ve missed you so much! My heart ached every day we were apart and I have dreamed of this day for so long!”

    John held her close for a moment before stepping back and replying: “Oh, Helen…you haven’t half let yourself go!”

  6. Gingerly, he undid the clasp of her bra and let it fall to the floor. His hands fell to her panties and they soon joined the bra.
    “Adam” she cried, “how long have you been dressing in my underwear?”

  7. She fell in love with him from the first moment he spoke to her: "It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again."

  8. Elizabeth Bennett's eyes widened as Mister Darcy emerged from the lake dripping wet, needless to say a few moments later the feeling was mutual!!!

  9. He sidled up to the beautiful girl on the dancefloor, "Can I smell your pussy?" he asked,
    "Of course you can't!" She shrieked.
    "Oh, must be your feet then," he mumbled as he walked away.

  10. He gazed deeply and long into her eyes, unable to look away….. It was then that he realized he really had a thing for women with cataracts.

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